subterranean homesick alien

2006-03-12T20:53:00.000+08:00

we have moved. not really, but we were so restless and worried and lackadaisical that we ended up having a new blog. i'll try to keep both active. HAHAH. i cant even keep up with my own other private journal. i think that new spot there is gonna be the new active one. thank you all and you are lovely.

http://jittergutflush2.blogspot.com/

AND IT IS PINK!
please call paramedics immediately. thank you. the world is coming to an end.

ps: its the same address. just note that there's a "2" at the back. thank you.

2006-03-12T18:56:00.000+08:00

take it easy
take it easy
take it easy
breathe

fuck i am so fucking angry ROARRRRRR

2006-03-12T02:30:00.001+08:00

who am i kidding? my booth's gonna suck ass. ive nothing but a small stupid lame leather bound book to place right there amidst all that space alotted to me. i just went through ern's old portfolio site and i saw his airmax90 vector and i felt screwed. then i went to see the vectors of the-thief-who-stole-my-mp3player, and i felt screwed. hell, the diploma show's gonna be nothing but another major blow. suddenly my brewing ideas that got me psyched up died just like that. *snaps fingers* just like that.

crap, what on earth made me think i could even start anything? i cant vector or illustrate for shit and even my deviantart's a shitpile of gutbarf that you purge when you're depressed. this is depressing. i think something bad's gonna happen.

and now i cant sleep. i'm gonna watch some tv. speak to you later.

FARE THEE WELL

2006-03-11T02:14:00.000+08:00

"Academic Status: COMPLETED COURSE OF STUDY FOR THE DIPLOMA IN VISUAL COMMUNICATION."

GAME OVER!!!!!
GOODBYE MOSES! I'VE FUCKING GRADUATED! I AM GONNA BURN YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL DOWN YOU HEAR ME? and you cant do anything about it because I'M OUT OF THE FUCKING SYSTEM!

*raindance*

2006-03-07T03:30:00.000+08:00

i was about to throw someone off the building out of unspeakably fury, when i decided to go online and have a small chat that as expected went on for a few hours. ahh a chat with my good old muse. i feel so light i could float to bed now.

so i made a confession..of a revelation. and i'm amazed at the power of my preach that mightve been damn well all another great lie. but i know its not. sides,my unimaginable fury had subsided from all that talking. my focus has shifted.

im not a monster anymore and my stomach churns when i read hans's blog. it shows my progess actually. but that aside, please, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. please stop talking like that.
i like this feeling of being normal.

ive got him to thank. i love him. my s1.

2006-03-05T14:23:00.000+08:00

oh i am so wonderful with my words and i am king when it comes to preaching but hell i am by far the biggest liar ive ever known.

2006-03-03T11:59:00.000+08:00

SO HAPPY.

we love what we got

lalala someone's got a 10inch DALEK-autographed icebot. make way little vinyls, ruler on the shelf!
heh. whatever it takes to see him smile :))

now i've a tee that goes with the blazers yay, but most of all i love my little patrick. :)
god i just love surprises.

and my little cat with the initial S around his neck has got a new tiger friend ive yet to name.

final note, happy 150th happy day

*twirls*
so happy.

ps: this picture's temporary. will replace it soon with...well, our sneaks.

2006-03-01T03:30:00.000+08:00

i remember the notes... that i gotta remember it not just in times of trouble but within any free moment i have to hold. and i did just that. i gotta keep it this way to be safe.

2006-02-28T22:40:00.000+08:00

one afternoon i went to his house to do silkscreening and this was how an idiot would look like in action:

it was great but of all the days in the world it had to be on my third draining day so at the end of it all i was tired beyond imagination when i know i could last longer.

and yay:

Datanglah sayang dan biarkanku berbaring
Di pelukanmu,walaupun 'tuk sejenak
Usaplah dahiku dan kan kukatakan semua

Bilaku lelah tetaplah di sini
Jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri
Bilaku marah biarkan ku bersandar
Jangan kau pergi untuk menghindar

Rasakan resahku dan buat aku tersenyum
Dengan canda tawamu,walaupun tuk sekejap
Kar'na hanya engkaulah yang sanggup redakan aku

yay i love sakti ari sena of s.o7

word of the day: THING.

2006-02-23T18:20:00.000+08:00

failed to smuggle that Thing, so nothing but to zone out again was all there was to be done. during which, we were already imagining too many possible scenes of what was to happen to us or what we'd do if the disaster proves to be real. suddenly we felt numb and decided to get that Thing ourself. so off we went to face the music, with shaky hands and legs. literally.
speak to you later.

/edit/

THE WAIT IS OVER! its here its here!!!!!! we have been paranoid after all!
ive never been so happy to greet it. thank god for answering. we're safe.
the weight of the world's just been lifted.

and now, for the next pest. apparently another issue has shifted our paranoia's focus just as we were clearing it. we're so bugged but we will try to keep ourselves sheltered.

2006-02-21T19:26:00.000+08:00

i feel so disappointed and let down. i have just wasted so much of my time. i thought with what i have earned i could jump in and grab that piece of dream but apparently it will be a longer and rougher journey i have to go through, and this piece of official paper i will be receiving will not be of much use after all. im so embarassed and i feel like my dreams have just crumbled before my eyes.

2006-02-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

what do i do?
what do i do?
what do i do now?
i dont want to think of anything nor for some goddamn radar to start detecting bean sprouts
i am my own worst enemy

i've gotta keep myself busy
i've gotta keep myself busy
patience is a virtue

2006-02-21T00:20:00.000+08:00

i was furious beyond imagination, enraged to the brim but i just kept mum and tried to clean my room for solace. i was fuming that i felt if i let it out it might be fatal to the inhabitants of my environment and so i tried to change my focus on to other things. like happy things that happened. minutes later, the phone would ring and its my favourite person then i'm happy again because he's being the usual all-singing, all-foolish, all-annoying all-simple-and-full-of-stories darling bug that i'll always love.

-
my patience has run too thin. i pray the day that i explode will never arrive.
-

oh and a surprising surprise, here was what we melted to. not completely for the gift, but mostly for the reason behind it and how i got it. :)))))))))))))))))

and yes my most most most favourite :

-
**picture has been deleted upon request due to unforeseen circumstances.

environment's not completely stable but i am intact even if i may crack i wont break anymore because i am now sheltered behind walls no human can break. no matter what happens, i now have a landing that will never fail me if i fall.

2006-02-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

sucks to know, but i guess its better this way. although its less of a madness and suddenly there seemed to be some hole i cant fill up (perhaps for now), at least i could see now who still stood by me right from day one, even on the days when i turned my back against him because i was intentionally being an asshole as we all know.
-
something to fill up this space with four out of the many shots of yesterday.

before and after. seoul garden treat *beaming*
pretty gross, no? but far from it says my tastebuds. heh.
it wasnt completely about the food,though. it was the company. :)))))

so happy. :)

2006-02-13T16:58:00.001+08:00

i couldve easily guessed that the one who's disappeared (mentioned in prev. post) has popped back up again. what do we have here? another bait similar to that we were spilling to before we got chucked in ?no not angel definitely. i can still remember the reason lashed to me back then. thank god i didnt allow myself to bother this time. now go.

we are now sitting one room away from the whole gank. we'd suppose its the new team eh. i walked past the glass doors like how i'd walk through walls and float down the Liffey.

i'm overwhelmed by the greatness of the most gracious, for the result was almost immediately. coincidentally we took a turning point at a very crucial time. although minutes later our old friend decided to drop by. but then again we felt nothing out of it. we had others praying for us on that day, as we had prayed for ourselves as well. at the end of the day we decided not to release the bubbling endorphins dancing in us, and keep mum while basking the springing of fruits that was bore just overnight from the longest and most flooding head-hanging. and of course we are planning not to leave behind our magic carpet which we had sadly abandoned (bt hopefully not anymore). this is going to take some time.. home we may not reach just like that, but i know that's where we're heading, god-willing.

filling up

2006-02-10T23:35:00.000+08:00

1: its ok go home
2: no i'll wait
1: your parents will be waiting
2: i cant leave you alone here until i see that you've slept.
1: i will sleep, you go home first
2: its ok i'll wait.
1: -
2: -
1: thank you. i'm sorry.
2: i'm sorry this had to happen. i wont leave you here alone. are your parents coming later?
1: nobody else is coming for the night. u should be off.
2: go to sleep then. i'll leave as soon as ive seen u asleep.
1: its ok
2: dont worry. i'll be right here.
1: thank you for lending me your lucky duckling.
2: (smiling) i'll be right here. i promise.

-
that bit i wont ever scrub off. anyway our earth's a bit shaky but thankfully we're more or less intact so we'll be basking in this head hanging and nightly solace.. and we've got news.

good news is we are rowing home today. The bad news is we have just lost it. such sad ambitious hopeful idiots. we cant even start off right, much less to win.and yet WE are the boss here. fuck.the partners we mentioned had either just backed out in silence, leaving us stranded (as usual) because they found out i'm not too good a person, or they're just like how we had expected everyone else who crossed our path to be. what on earth were we thinking? that we could surpass the abstruse flimflammery of the plastic assholes by being likewise? what is this? revenge? hormonal transition? what are we getting out of it? zilch. oh hell, i cant give a bloody damn. in fact, i'm glad. i could do with lesser thieves like yourself around. you just proved you've failed our test either ways.
i dont need you. goodbye.
and dear god i want to reverse this ship back to safety.
this time, i know the way.

ps: somebody we know might get killed if we lose our patience the next time we get pushed off the stage. we've given our kind warning and gentle hints but u paid no attention. dont make us shoot you. it's MY fucking play, do you understand?
pps: i dont know why i always wait.

2006-02-09T08:59:00.000+08:00

fuck, who am i kidding? after all that ive seen and not seen..i'm cutting myself with my own promise. ok i cant cry here.
now, where's our friend? we have a date tonight.

they say knowledge is king. but i'd rather not know at all if it kills me in return.

2006-02-09T02:46:00.000+08:00

ok i dont think i like playing this game. i cant do this and just keep lying to myself. and i'm throwing the people into the abysmal depths of losing where sorrow dines on your heartstrings. oh hell, why should i bother if thats where they all should be chucked in. i gotta get used to steeling myself and stop being the good guy here.

and i need it to shield myself..although i cant carry on if this nausea keeps stopping me. besides, its too late to turn back. so i'll just keep praying.

2006-02-08T23:24:00.000+08:00

apparently, keeping quiet while hope floats will only lead to disaster.
so we've found out the rules, now we're ready to play.
we found out the tricks and we've recognized our faceless enemies.

times up for being the good guy.

apologies in advance to my (unaware) partners in crime. we're doing this for the first time. to win this..we might have to cut you.

2006-02-08T01:50:00.000+08:00

had a good talk with saladman. before we ended, he brought up abt my 2nd crash.

if you die, i'm going to fucking cry. cos the last time you were contemplating suicide to me, and i felt like i was the only one to help at that time, there were tears.

then i shrunk.

-

2006-02-07T23:14:00.000+08:00

almost.

2006-02-07T12:52:00.000+08:00

catch myself
from despair
i will drown if i stay here
keeping busy
everyday
i know i will be okay

last night was the first time i mentioned everyone's name as i hung my head. guilty. but calm because i was in the right place. i dont know if i will see what i want to see, hear what i need to hear, anything out of all i had flushed yesterday,out of yesterday's drowning, but god knows how i cried. to a point of numbness, because once you're numb, it wont hurt if u cut yourself up. i wont have to feel anything. then i bought my time with some..._________.
i'm shaken all over. but i've done what i had to yesterday. and now all i can do is to just breathe and hope these legs wont fail me.

note to self: we've changed the url for the link of "land of radioheadski" to their blog.
note to self again: leave soap squished out on the floor so no f could mess it up everytime we leave it alone.

2006-02-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

before i begin doing what i'm supposed to later, i feel like typing aznvmhhzgklfrvxzz..
before we row back, settle down with such shame and hang our heads so low just because we are squeezed so tightly together by these four walls and only now that we realize the plight, we'd like to keep in touch with earth for awhile before we leave this place. leave it for the night.

somebody just asked me the question and i didnt know what to answer. yes or no? i wasnt but i am now, hopefully like i was before. i cant say until the next light dies out, if what i do later will penetrate through, amidst all this unspeakable thickness of filth. i'm just so embarassed, i'm just so.. -
oh hell, i cant give a bloody dime. its all pointless, you foolish idiots.

i cant say much, ive got plans for the night.
there's no laughter in the air, only silence everywhere. it's too tempting to whip out that old friend which has by now collected so much rust over time, when we were surfacing from the murky deep that was four hundred days old. we were in the toilet getting ready to clean up. we just sat there and stared at the old streets that ran down our left and right. not a sight of any road block that once were there. its all clean. too clean. too clean that its screaming to be made a mess of, again. i shall have to contain this feeling for now..i really dont want to end up doing it again. i hope after leaving this place later, i wont have to take out our old friend again.

because the news that hit us a moment ago was too harsh for our ears. i felt as if an anvil just fell on my insides.

2006-02-06T21:58:00.000+08:00

I told you everything,
opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright,
for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

2006-02-05T15:10:00.000+08:00

we found out we were on separate ends of the train so we alighted at the next station, dover, to sit and talk. suddenly there was nothing that could wait until tomorrow. we just had to meet and God had intentionally placed us in the same train at the same time. when the crowd subsided, i saw her from a distance, at the other end of the platform, and i smiled. i really needed this, i really needed this now. and i just kept smiling, and we hurried towards each other as if we havent met for years already. she threw me a tight hug, and asked Are You ok.. And i hugged even tighter, holding back my tears with a smile, and finally choked out a "No". and at that, i broke right there and then.

still smiling. like its all a joke.

4mth

2006-02-04T15:34:00.000+08:00

happy 120th (+1) day

2006-02-03T11:19:00.000+08:00

i dont know what to do now. im helpless and tired. just so tired.
the looping words were shoving me to the end of my tether and i could hardly breathe. my fear of what awaits me now was choking me and writhing like a knife stuck in my body. my eyes stung and it ran through me like knives, but i'm void of emotions. i collapsed and could not move a muscle, except to just continue to try breathing. i tried the hardest i could to swallow back in what was rushing out, but i failed. i gritted my teeth and let myself be sucked out of this place. im not here. this isnt happening.

we opened our eyes and could hardly see the light. with every trace of the remaining strength that was already draining out, we tried to fight what felt like mountains of anvils resting on our body, and we finally pulled ourselves up and floated like a ghost to the toilet. we broke own one more time before collapsing again in the shower. then we cleaned up.

its time to begin the end.

2006-02-02T10:26:00.000+08:00

to the kind samaritans who drop by this lousy blog, our dear friends say Hi:

i have thom yorke's hunted bear on my wall and he's got Nigo's monkey in his room. god,who on earth would put Baby Milo in front of his face and take that sort of picture before the mirror?? i cant help but fall all over again everytime i see it. <3

shut off

2006-01-27T14:36:00.000+08:00

if you feel like you've been left, then there is not a need to linger on anymore is there-

in a fix

2006-01-21T21:13:00.001+08:00

today i met my airbag and suddenly all the worries i have in the world disappeared just like that

skip how we began today. such a wreck.

i spent few hours in the library trying to find some feel-good stuff. i was in desperate need of the tiniest dose of joy. but nothing seemed good enough.
then there was this book called "its ok to be neurotic" then i skipped to the back pages on chronic depression bla bla. read up what was in it, then took another book called "making the Prozac decision" and about two other books on OCD, bipolar disorder, anxiety and surviving the nervous breakdown shit. i didnt have to go through what they were, i knew it first hand and its not something to be proud of at all, i just wanted to know the WAY OUT.

and to my ultimate nausea, all of them said the same thing. minimum period of taking antidepressants was for at least SIX months. even then, one would still need some time to taper off the intake before gradually coming to a stop. i forgot what else the important details were, but i knew i was screwed. most of the bad examples given in the books were of people stopping medication abruptly in a period of 4 or 5 months, and they felt defeated already. shit i took them for only 4 or 5 WEEKS and quit. its the placebo effect. i remember them reminding me to have it for no less than 6months when i got discharged. but i couldnt help it, it was instant cure and absolute joy to finally felt Free. light and free. and that there seemed to be absolutely no need to live on medications. but it was just a bait before they'll come back in worse forms, and hell, did they ever.

hence, my crash. a few nights ago we had an overdose, the second since about four hundred days ago. this feeling of being defeated after doing so well all this while, is just unspeakable. this time it wasnt as bad as it was the first time (else we wont be here now), but we know we took more then needed.

i got myself in a fix now. if i dont carry on with the faverin now that i took it again, i'm gonna have to undergo the sickly adverse effects of the sudden withdrawal from this drug. but if i continue, i'll have to undergo its shit side effects..which im in no way ready to go through all over again. i dont know what im to do, i dont know what im to do at all.

but i know there is just one thing i need. the escape that i bumped into~ and let me see things ive never seen before. i'd never thought i'd like how it feels to see the world in colour.

.

2006-01-16T01:27:00.000+08:00

"i juz want you to noe i'm here.if anything you havent been a let down TO ME under different circumstances and different skies...maybe it is your fyp. but u'r working hard at it and nothing can go wrong when u'r working hard. sometimes we tend to lose sight. we have setbacks. we have moments that u are having right now. do wat u want. do what you need to do. i will be here for you when you need me. and i'll be praying and rooting that evrything goes well for you. it will. i dont have the words to make you better, neither the means. i wish i can walk that journey for you. sometimes u just need closure. what u need and what u do, it concerns only you. all the reflection, its all about you. it's not there anymore. its dead and buried. why must you remain in that world..when u have so much more in yours. take a breather then carry on. one step at a time.u were able to fight it before. u can do it again now. find ur own space and nothing can touch you. u'r safe with me.

dont let him have the satisfaction. dont let him be the one to have the last laugh."

2006-01-14T20:37:00.000+08:00

hullo hullo.
this entry is dedicated to a certain humble abode.

make way for poverty:

in the meantime kindly donate to our charity box via speedpost. as of february we shall make poverty history and so will this sad and sorry room. do not worry, we will try to not use the proceeds for more sneaker purchases. -_-

and with all your generous help, may it one day be transformed into something better than our legendary fort:

ps:we never really liked snow white.likewise to cinderella but she's not too bad. these two weakest ones amongst the 6. this is not an obsession, just an old hobby. heh.

someday we shall meet our real aladdin and when when we marry and rule, we'll never forget those who helped make this poverty end. we shall reward you handsomely:

mark the words of Apple. then and now: what was once a superkechil has grown into mid-kechil. the wonders of god.

thank you all and you are lovely. goodday and god speed for fyp.

where i end you begin

2006-01-13T12:43:00.000+08:00

there's a gap in between
there's a gap where we meet
where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us
the dinosaurs roam the earth
the sky turns green
where i end and you begin

i am up in the clouds, i am up in the clouds
and i can't and i can't come down
i can watch but not take part
where i end and where you start,

i dont feel like continuing. i'm sick and i'm sick. and i'm sick. and fyp is such a killer. i'm going crazy trying to make do with dried ideas.

i cannot do this on my own. the further i swim the more i need a float. is there a float? is there anything i wont be afraid to use to pull myself back to shore and be assured i wont get washed again? i'm a monster and everything i touch dies.

fucking angel fucking thief and its fucking myxomatosis. i'm angry and i feel so letdown. look at this mess, i'm trapped with remnants of what used to be where i used to be when i was once where it all was at. it isnt fair. it just isnt fair. i'm tired. i've had the best and i cant seem to settle for second best. when best is bad, how shit worse would something lesser be? im terrified of setting myself up for another crash. i dont want to touch anything.this bane i carry with me..i dont want to kill what or who i might love.

-
While my heart is a shield
and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail
so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

curious cat

2006-01-12T17:14:00.000+08:00

im scared. and i haven't learned my lesson. ive done it before and i did it again minutes back and it happened again. im such an idiot digging my own grave

but its the only way i know to make sure i'm safe and not setting myself up for a repeat of the history.

because if nothing is in the pail, the cat wouldnt get killed anyway, do u understand?

everybody's changing and i dont feel the same

2006-01-10T22:51:00.000+08:00

there. its done. like an overcast its only been ten days and it poured because i failed to hold it in.

it was me against a whole army. im sorry but i cannot do it on my own.

.

2006-01-07T16:35:00.000+08:00

fight or take flight? we're teetering on the edge with a dinosaur close at our heels and our life support is out of reach. where is our life support? what are we to do? what are we to do? what are we to -
..
.
.
what a headfuck. why do we bother?
any minute now we sense a major burst coming. if we do we hope the environment does not die .
meantime, we shall contain in the best we can. in case of emergency please slap us return.

ps: stop drawing and please fuck off u fucking sick fuck.

airbag

2006-01-06T00:11:00.000+08:00

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

snap

2006-01-05T19:35:00.000+08:00

we fell together but only you survived the crash. and suddenly, i realised how unfair it all is. like losing a game i didnt play. like paramedics arriving only after death. and like a mouse caught in cheesetrap but they are dining on my catch, and i can only watch. it isnt fair. i refused to believe the singing but what was i to do when it was right before my eyes? like a forgotten toy or still life on a shelf witnessing it first hand and not being able to do anything about it. not being able to do anything to myself. i feel as if i just ate a poisoned bait.

i want out.

since we failed to rid u off our space, we will not go there. fare thee well.

3 happy moon

2006-01-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

today we went to hell and we lived. in fact, we had lunch. hooray, it's dead! what a lovely enlightenment. we're safe!

happy

2006-01-03T00:10:00.000+08:00

yayayayayyayayayay <3 <3 <3

big smiles now everybody big smiles

hello

2006-01-01T23:28:00.000+08:00

365 days ago we were flying without our guards.
therefore we crashed. we crashed until we lost our lives.
we read our private journal and our faces shamed the red rose. was nauseating to witness such foolish thoughts, but most of all sad. disappointing, but there was only so much that we could do.
and then this overwhelming feeling of being shaken encompassed ourselves because we greeted today the same way we greeted last year. like a byproduct of this malfunctioning system, scaring us with delusions of another crash. but then again we are not as full as we were because this time, we have our guards up.
wont flush much for they're only words, no? be more silent this time. gute nacht.

2005

2005-12-31T23:35:00.000+08:00

for the next 25 minutes and 01 seconds, we are gonna let the tapes play. we'll be back later, hopefully in one piece.

h.b.i.f.

2005-12-29T23:10:00.000+08:00

i dont eat apples without having them peeled first so please take my gentle hints and kindly jump off my planet because our bicycle needs only two goddamn wheels to coast.

guest coming

2005-12-29T17:32:00.000+08:00

__48
+ 18
____
__66.

what a lousy lousy 66hours it has been!
i hate this feeling.
i hate this feeling.
i hate this feeling.

this just feels like spinning plates.

ps: farethewell $10, now i'm a walking feather duster. and make that $15.

bolt of blue

2005-12-28T03:18:00.000+08:00

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows.

stop popping out of the tin cans when you need me to rid your drowning gravy. one day my army of ___ will put an end to it.

note to self:
we will guard the treasure.
we will not lose our gold.

(ps: you sir,are supposed to be vanquished. so please just..die or something.we hate you. we hope you choke on a fork at dinner.)

sneakies

2005-12-25T13:08:00.000+08:00

woopdeedoo..HTM and TrueToYourSchool-unlv/Ultraman hehheheheh yeyeyeyeeyeyyeyeyyeyey <3
too bad you thespians look out to see concrete jungle and not the edge of this podium of our square planet.

complete?

2005-12-24T00:13:00.000+08:00

yeyey new sneaks new sneaks new sneaks! TTYS. yeyey.

..where would i be without my airbag? <3

reverse

2005-12-22T18:51:00.000+08:00

if this is how the wheel spins, then that house i see is but a sodding mirage and these stones i pass must be from the previous railway tracks. i shouldve just kept my lips sealed.

safe

2005-12-19T00:52:00.000+08:00

can you hear us?
you filthy thief. leaving pins in our shoes and letting us drain as we walk. running away like a lousy joke at nine to save yourself and leaving the disaster at its wake. but we do not despise you for the postman sent us a ticket in the parcel of bane. we do not know why we boarded the train. what does not kill us only makes us stronger. our fingers still work just fine enough not to murder you both. how foolish we have been.

what a sail it was. what a shipwreck. and what a swim.

i'm happy.

can you hear me?
can you hear me you nocuous vessel of pretence?
you have failed. you succeeded breaking down the glass walls but you have failed to wipe out every living trace. not even through sleep will the noose be tied. it has been forever since i last breathed it out of these ribbons of red that you spilled before you. and now i shall. as frightened shitless as i am, i shall speak.

i'm happy.
i'm saved.

congested

2005-12-17T01:16:00.000+08:00

we need money for the sneaks
we need money for the sneaks
we need money for the sneaks

blue notes please hurry and fall from the sky we know you're up there.

ok thats it no more meals for a month and all griefs to be kept mum about.
sorry, this machine will not communicate.
please leave your name and detail of sneaking and we'll get back to you when we are rich.
address is nulled. this post will be returned to sender.
thank you and have a pleasant headfuck.

blow out

2005-12-12T20:41:00.000+08:00

in my mind and nailed into my heels
all the time killing what I feel

and everything I touch turns to stone.

I am fused just in case I blow out. I am glued just because I crack out.

beep beep beep

2005-12-12T01:04:00.000+08:00

WHERE'S THE XANAX?!?! WE NEED OUR XANAX!!! we'd appreciate an OD for tonight because we..
cant sleep
cant sleep
cant sleep

-_-

overbaking

2005-12-12T00:20:00.000+08:00

"i know you're trying. and its vital. it keeps you on the path of remembrance. remembering the how and the why. and the who. it gives you an aim, a focus. which is to purge it out no matter what. we all deal with changes. listen to me. you are going to be fine. something good will come out of all this.whether you realize it or not.maybe your life will never be the same. thats because it gets better..trust me maryam. dont be scared. whats there to panic about? there's no one problem in this world that cant be solved. you should be proud that you've made it this far. what you should do is take a breather. shut down your brain. dont say such things. dont go where i cant follow."

-

2005-12-11T12:56:00.000+08:00

i'm going to stay here and be still and silent.
they cant touch me.

dumdeedum

2005-12-10T20:01:00.000+08:00

hullo hullo. we have about five dollars to last ourselves until maybe next week when hopefully by some weird luck our money starts growing in our little account. FIVE DOLLARS! thats the price of those disney dvds. bitch.

we're dented on the sides. we have been steering so smoothly and coasting as we please but perhaps this we could not avoid. we're frightened shitless but it was our drug.
and yes we like it here but we dont know if we're safe. we could hope. who's to say? but we could smell the pastries in the oven. could be just a tease, no?
a familiar cloud hit us during our slumber and we woke up sweating. almost crying.
could it be the same warning we had for that buried 30days? or was it just a play of our own trains? it had been asleep for 9 months during our deliria. this is probably coincidence. we decided to carry on shutting the 2nd system down so we won't be bugged by it.

speak to you later--

/edit/

oh no. there's this terrible terrible sting in our heads..it hits too close to home.

we must carry on
carry on
carry on

work work work. till this spindle pricks us to forever asleep from this attack.

anoetic deliria

2005-12-09T13:37:00.000+08:00

hullo hullo. this is but an alternative exit for the homeless trains racing through our tunnels. a private access journal we already have, so this is simply useless and not going to be a hyperactive form of an unanimated being of the network but we shall still have it anyway and there's nothing you can do to stop us. this is just to...be....a...jakzjhndlxpzzgh. in other words, ______. oh we dont know. we dont know what we're talking about. ok its getting cold. see you after winter.

pipsqueak

2005-12-09T13:29:00.000+08:00

test test.
hullo dotcommunists.
-beep-